ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

A message from a Park Slope Parent:

i was at the 3rd street playground with my two sons, both of whom are nursing. my older son, B****, who is 2yo, fell off of the playground equipment, hitting his head on the bars on the way down. of course he started crying, and i picked him up and took him over to a bench and was trying to comfort him. he was asking to nurse so i took the baby (c****, 4m) out of the mei tai, put him in b****'s stroller, and b**** started nursing.

we were the only ones on the bench, but there were a couple of nannies on a bench to the right, and a nanny on the bench to the left. not that i was even thinking about any of that at the moment, i was just nursing b****, enjoying the weather, and smiling at c****.

i then heard the nanny on the bench on the left say "oh that is just WRONG!" at first i didn't really focus in on it, it didn't occur to me that she was talking about me. but as she continued it became clear that she was... "that is just WRONG. on SO MANY LEVELS. that is DISGUSTING!"

i should make it clear that this woman had stood up off of her bench and was yelling this. it was obviously loud enough for me to hear, and for the nannies on the other side of me to hear. with no particular plan formed, just going in the heat of the moment i said "are you talking to me? are you talking to me? EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?" no response. she just stood there, looking away from me, and started getting ready to leave the park. whether she was leaving anyway or doing it because of me, i do not know.

i was so angry. i am not someone who gets into fights or anything but i really wanted to get up and get in her face. of course, this was a pretty bad plan considering i had my kids there with me, b**** still nursing. i didn't want b**** to understand what was going on.

the nannies on the other bench were watching and clucking amongst themselves. loud nanny yelled over to one of the nannies on the other bench "how's your ice cream? taste good?" implying that she should be losing her appetite at the horror of me nursing my son. btw, shortly thereafter the ice-cream eating nanny threw her half-eaten popsicle into the bushes behind her.

b**** was feeling better and ready to play, and now c**** was getting kvetchy. so b**** ran off, and i picked up c**** and started to put him back in the mei tai and nurse him in the carrier. of course, this started the clucking up. i only heard snippets but, you know, it was just like "oh now look, now she's going to nurse him too." like i should be ashamed of the fact that i am trying to nurse my crying baby while carrying him so that i can look after my 2 year old.

later, another nanny came along and i could see that the nannies on the bench were telling her all about me, she was standing there staring at me. this whole thing really upset me, put me in a very foul mood which was luckily saved by the joy of c**** having his first ride in the playground swing :) but still, i am still upset, and i am angry that someone would treat me that way. funny looks and muttering amongst themselves was bad enough, but the first nanny who felt the need to yell about how disgusting it was... now THAT is just wrong.

i don't know exactly what the purpose of this post is... i know that i have been lucky that in my 26 months as a mother i have not had any bad experiences like this. but people, this is park slope! i thought i was safe here. argh. i originally wanted to post looking for the family for whom the loud nanny works, but in the moments before she left the park i did not think clearly enough to get a look at the kids or the stroller, and the nanny herself was pretty nondescript - black, chubby, shoulder length-ish straightened hair, i think wearing blue jeans (oh yeah, that description will find her in no time!). and i don't really know if the family would want to do something anyway. i mean *I* certainly wouldn't want anyone acting like that who is supposed to be a role model for my kids, but i know that childcare issues are complicated and i certainly would understand not wanting to disrupt one's family, yada yada. i just felt so angry and my instinct was to have some sort of "oh yeah, you think you can act that way with me?" thing...i guess i just feel the need to put this out there and share it with everyone.

e****, mom to b**** and c****

And my response:

Dear E****,

I most certainly believe it is your right to breast feed your children for as long as you want – whether they are two, four, eight or whatever. I also believe it is your right to nurse wherever you want and the hang ups of others are their own problem.

Furthermore, I can totally see why in this day, age and community you would be upset over a perceived attack on your personal mothering practices. Further furthermore, I think it is right and good for you to share your experience with PSP.

On the other hand, your message makes certain presumptions I feel should be addressed. You seem to be trying – albeit futilely – to get this person in trouble with an assumed employer for passive-aggressive behavior which – by your own account – you never actually confirmed was directed at you. You claim to be informing on her for the sake of the children, but the understandable anger of your tone shines through implying vindictiveness is your true motive.

When you talk about the employers of this assumed nanny "not wanting to disrupt one's family, yada yada…" you seem to be saying this is the only semi-acceptable reason why they wouldn't fire her once they heard your account – never mind her side of the story.

It sounds like you made your feelings clear at the park; why not just leave it at that?

While I respect your right to breastfeed and your right to yell at this other person, I also respect her right to express her own feelings. This is a free country and she being a nanny or being black or being chubby has really nothing to do with it. You make it plain, after all, through your sarcastic and bracketed remark that you realize your somewhat offensive description would do little to actually identify her.

Finally, I would ask you to ask yourself how much of this is about your need to share and how much of this is about "some sort of 'oh yeah, you [nanny] think you can act this way with me?' thing."

Sincerely,
Lorenzo